In loving memory of Nathan Boyle.
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| Dress-Like-Nathan Day |
Prove You’re Alive
by Andrea Johnson
I
remember when I first learned that my class would be getting a new kid. My
close friend and classmate, Jason, and I sat outside the school on the curb on
the last day of school our sophomore year and talked about it. “What if he doesn't like us?” we wondered. “What are the chances he’ll like us?” And then
we proceeded to construct a mathematical formula to determine what percent
chance there was that he would like each member of our class individually and
then the class as a whole. It’s funny, looking back, how we never bothered to
consider that we might not like him. I don’t think it was really ever an
option.
Nathan’s
arrival to Paradise Adventist Academy was the most exciting change in our class
as far back as we could remember. He had a crazy hairstyle with bleached
streaks amidst his black spiky mane. He wore bandanas and clothes that looked
like they came from Hot Topic. Living close to Chico, known as the party town,
we’d seen people like this before but we never thought one would come to our
school. Not only that, but he was in our
class. He was our peer and we were all excited to see what he would be like.
Like any normal
kid in a new situation, he started out quiet, but after a bit of calm
observance, he warmed up and decided we sheltered kids were alright in his book. Nathan became the glue in our class; he
really brought people together with his goofiness. He was crazy in ways we’d
never seen before. He licked my arm on multiple occasions. He kissed Jason on
the cheek on Valentine’s Day while wearing lipstick. He ran around on all
fours. He made pterodactyl noises. What made all these quirks so incredible was
how he used them. Many people act odd to annoy people or to get attention.
Nathan used his quirks to bestow affection on everyone. Not a single person at
PAA could avoid witnessing or receiving these random acts of Nathan. And
everyone loved him for it. Our student body even made a spirit day in his
honor, “Dress Like Nathan Day.” The whole high school participated.
During
his first year at PAA, Nathan was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Being the
fighter that he was, he went without medication for a long time. He was a
strong believer in natural remedy and he entered the war against medication
wholeheartedly. Nathan never saw medication as a long-term solution. He only
used medication on an “as-needed” basis. Occasionally, a strong flare-up would
occur and he would take medication. Although this sent the Crohn’s into
remission, he hated every minute he was taking medication. He never felt truly
himself while taking it. As part of his battle plan, he drank kombucha, a
slightly fermented health tea, every day, amped up his exercise routine, and
ate healthier than anyone I've ever met. If it weren't for the Crohn’s, I’m
convinced he could have lived forever.
It was during my
senior year that I really got to know Nathan. We began hanging out away from
school. I would have baking parties or movie nights on the weekend and he would
always tag along with Jason, who had become his best friend. At these movie
nights, Nathan always nagged me to watch Fight Club with him. It’s this really
intense mind-trip film about fighting the system and living with purpose. He
had gotten me to read the book and I knew that there was going to be too much
blood for me to handle. Knowing I wasn't ready for the intensity but also
knowing that it was his favorite movie of all time, I promised him that as soon
as I was mentally and emotionally ready to watch it, I would inform him.
As the last half
of the school year began, our class was preparing to participate in the annual
senior marriage project. The girls have to wait until someone proposes to find
out who they are paired with. One day I was practicing choir after school when
suddenly, Nathan burst into the choir room. He was dressed in bright green
cut-off sweat pants, a black and white striped shirt with a vest on top and a
purple bandana. On anyone else, this ensemble would have been unusual, but
Nathan was always making bold fashion choices; I didn't think anything of it.
Next thing I knew, Nathan had picked me up, flung me over his shoulder and was
taking me outside. He placed me in a cardboard box with the words “Pirate Ship”
scrawled on the side in black sharpie. He turned to me and said, “Arr! Marry me
or walk the plank!” I of course said “yes” and then he gave me my wedding ring:
not a piece of costume jewelry from Claire’s like most of the guys in my class
had done, but a clear plastic ring with a flower design that turns pink in the
sun.
We spent the next
several months planning our spectacular wedding, “getting married”, and even
raising a baby, doll of course, together. I personally think we had more fun
than any other “couple.” Our marriage plans included a ceremony on Earth Day
while we were barefoot, Thai food at the reception, and wedding colors chosen
to match the main ingredient in our favorite Thai dish, eggplant. All the
details were uniquely catered to fit both our bold personalities, which Nathan
helped me learn to be comfortable showing. Excitement was valued over
practicality because, heck, why shouldn't weddings contain craziness and
spontaneity? We took all our ideas and ran with them. Full speed. Straight
ahead. Together, we sprinted into our own imaginary sunset. It was the fictional
wedding of the century.
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| Our "baby"-to-be, Riddick Emery Boyle |
The
next day I headed to Nathan’s house where he and Jason were already horsing
around. We situated ourselves and commenced the viewing. The thing I remember
most about the movie was the intro. The intro contained a written disclaimer
made by Tyler Durden, one of the lead roles of the movie. The disclaimer
contained this phrase: “Prove you’re alive.” I remember seeing that and
thinking, Oh! No wonder Nathan loves this
movie! That is so him! I made it through the movie unscathed and then we
headed out to the Jacuzzi to discuss life. We talked about all sorts of things
but naturally, our conversation turned towards Nathan and his health. He
explained that he had been having complications with Crohns and that there was
an abscess in his colon, which was why he had been in and out of the hospital
recently. His plan was to go to a clinic in Florida where he could better pursue
natural methods of clearing up the abscess. Both Jason and I were proud of him
for wanting to pursue natural methods but we were also worried. An abscess can
be a big deal. We both asked him about taking medication and about surgery. He
explained that surgery was a definite possibility but that he wanted to give
the clinic a try. His confidence silenced my fears and we ended the evening
with promises to all hang out again when I was done working at summer camp.
Less
than a month later, on July 17, I got a call from my mom while I was working at
camp. She didn't leave a message. That was the moment I knew something was
wrong. I tried to call her back but she didn't pick up. Trying to remain calm,
I checked my facebook to get my mind off the non-existent message. As I
scrolled through the newsfeed, the story began to emerge. I saw a post by Jason
saying that Nathan was in the hospital and that he was going to have an
emergency surgery. Jason asked that everyone pray for Nathan. I promptly
commented asking for an update. Less than a minute later, I received a message
from my friend, Cassie, confirming my greatest fears. Nathan had passed away.
I
can’t even begin to convey my feelings at that moment. If you've ever lost
someone, you know what it’s like. If you haven’t, I will simply offer this: It
is the truest form of heartbreak. I never
thought my heart could be broken by someone I didn't love romantically, but it
can. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and losing him broke my heart. The
thing I never knew about heartbreak is that it’s a literal, physical pain. On
your chest, over your heart, you feel a burn, a pain that you know isn't there
because someone punched you; you feel it inside. That’s something they never
tell you.
The next Monday, July 23, we had the
memorial service. If ever there was a perfect memorial, this was it. It had all
the usual elements of a memorial service: pictures, music, shared memories,
tears, and even laughter. For some reason, it felt like Nathan had planned it.
When we graduated from high school, Nathan surprised us all by singing. He had
been in choir, but we’d never actually heard him sing. At graduation, he sang Lean on Me with a few other guys. Jason,
Jason’s dad, a few other close friends of Nathan, and I sang it at the service.
Even though it was a tribute to Nathan, it felt like encouragement from him,
encouragement to lean on one another to get through our grief.
On August 15, a group of us went to
scatter Nathan’s ashes. We went to the river to a place behind the Feather
River Hospital that we locals refer to as Balls Falls. It’s a secluded spot on
a river with a thirty-foot jump. It was Nathan’s favorite place to go. Jason
told us how the first time Nathan went, he was really afraid to jump. Nathan
took his time, but eventually he did jump and he never looked back. As we
neared Balls Falls, we saw Craig, Nathan’s dad. Through some clever and careful
maneuvering, he had managed to get the urn with Nathan’s ashes down the rocks,
unbroken. In the spirit of Nathan, alive and powerful, we all jumped off the
rock and into the water below. Together we swam around and enjoyed the cool
water after the long hike.
Gradually, we all came together on a rock on the opposite bank,
circling Nathan’s ashes. Craig began to speak. He shared the story of Elijah
and Elisha, where Elisha asked for a double portion of Elijah’s spirit. Craig
challenged us to consider Nathan’s spirit, his character, and to choose a trait
Nathan carried that we would like to live out. He urged us to share our choice
with each other and to hold each other accountable to the challenge. With
Nathan’s ashes safely deposited in the river, we all dispersed, contemplating
Craig’s challenge. At the time, I couldn't decide which part of Nathan’s spirit
I wanted to claim. He was so loving, so affectionate, so inclusive, and so
open. How could I possibly choose just one trait?
A few days later, I was thinking about my last day with Nathan
when I suddenly recalled the quote, “Prove you’re alive.” That was it! That’s
what I wanted, what I want. I want Nathan’s boldness for life. I want to prove
my existence by the way I live and by the way I love. That’s exactly what
Nathan did. He never held back affection and he never backed out on experiences
for fear of what might happen. He overcame his fears and lived without
inhibition. I believe the reason that we all felt Nathan’s loss so strongly was
because of the amazing life he had. When he passed away, a candle didn't go
out, a bonfire went out. But his legacy lives on. I still feel that burn in my
chest. And it hurts; it hurts every part of me. But it reminds me how much I
cared about him and how much he cared about me.
In a way, that burn is the reason I’m sharing this story. Losing
Nathan lit a fire in my heart. It intensified my passion for life. I want to be
held accountable to my choice to live like Nathan. I don’t ever want to forget
Nathan’s legacy. So hold me to my promise. Remind me to run and to jump and to
sing and to kiss and to love. But most of all, remind me to prove I’m alive.
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| Nathan, Jason and I dressed as Cavemen for our Senior-Class Video |
